Krizia. 21. Proud Filipina. Canada. ♥I am a book. You can't judge me by my covers. If you give me a chance, I can let you flip through my pages and let you know that there is more of me that meets the eyes. I am story. Told and untold. My life has many chapters. Follow through it and together we'll go on this crazy adventure called life. Let's find out what is beyond life's horizon together. You now hold the key to the diary of me. Keep it safe. :) I trust you.
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Now I’m back to writing down my thoughts. That’s what I do best. I guess, maybe because there’s no other way I could vent all the stress but to keep my fingers attached to the keyboard again.
Things arent really going your way at this very moment, but I bet you’ll be thanking me though. Someday. One day.
I realized and learned a lot of things the previous days.
1. Sometimes children makes more sense than grown ups do. Those improving brains of theirs and their lack of experience proves how simple and genuine LIFE and LOVE is.
Yesterday, I was asked to accompany some of our students outside to play. One by one they all felt cold, went inside, til I had one left to supervise. Griffin. Remember that name. He’s “four and a half”. He claims he wants to be a Man Teacher, because he pretty much understands the need of a Male teacher in the teaching industry. He also wanted to be a teacher because he said when he grows up, he “doesn’t want to forget” me. That way, we could see each other when he’s all grown up and maybe he could help me with the other kids. I hope that doesn’t change when he really grows up, because he also claimed that he wanted two jobs. Aside from teaching, he also wants to be an “airplane-so-so that will lead the airplanes where to go”, I guess he meant to be a navigator or something. IDK. He’s a really good boy. Though he has his challenging days… still he’s one of the smartest kids I know in class.
I ended up having a heart to heart with this 4 yrs old. Of course, not directly. I was indeed desperate for someone to talk to and for maybe comfort. I am a thousand miles away from my friends and our family can sometimes be no fun (and extremely harsh) when you start to share about this.
So I asked Griffin what love is. He said Love is about “taking care of someone and giving them cards. It’s all about making the other person happy.” That’s love!”, he exclaimed confidently.
We then talked about distance. I know! What was I thinking?
I asked him if he was willing to love someone from afar, and not have their feelings changed despite the miles. “I have Nana. She lives so far. But I love her still.” I then asked what if it was someone not related to you.. “I dont mind. I can still invite my friend to my party anyway” he answered. I thought of how easy that sounds. Yeah, I could invite him to my party. Then if he’s still available that time.. we might really be meant to be, I told myself.
NOT. Of course its not that easy. How can I even get him to come over? Or how can I even talk to him after everything?
Then we talked about forgiveness. Was he willing to forgive if someone special hurt him? He was in doubt. Finally we’re on the same page. He automatically said “What if they’ll hurt me again?”
It’s true that anyone forgiven could actually hurt you again. Maybe they’ll end up loving the thought of having power over you, thinking that you’ll always take them back anyway.. so might as well do stuff that makes them upset (for now) because they’ll always be there and they’ll never leave you. EVER.
Pretty much reasonable. Acceptable. We all are afraid of getting hurt again, but that’s how life works, right? Hurting and loving.
I rephrased my question and asked him “what if he said sorry, and claims that he didn’t mean it.” “Then, I’ll forgive them” he said without hesitations. I asked why, and guess what he answered?
"Because I still like them even if they hurt me." Of course.
Why do we keep on forgiving someone? We forgive them because deep down in our hearts we still want that person in our life. Isn’t that what forgiveness means?
So I shared my story and made some changes with the characters and situations. I didn’t want to explain so much to a 4 years old, who makes more sense with any adults, despite the lack of experience.
I told you I was desperate for comfort. HAHA!
His advise? He told me to be a “COMMON FRIEND”, which means the kind of friend who “NEVER GIVES UP”. Yes, that’s what common friends mean to him. He also told me to forgive because I “still like that friend anyway”. On the contrary, he added “but you dont have to be a common friend to everyone, not unless you want to, because not everyone deserves you as a common friend sometimes.”
SMART KID. I wish I was that smart to make my life easier.
I didn’t want to make the conversation intense while we were playing in the snow. The kid had his fair share of good points that I wanted to hear from someone.. so that’s pretty much how we ended the talk. I gave him a hug and told him what a good person he is. He was a good friend for his age. He is amazing. I wish he’ll have all those values with him til he grows up.
Funny right? How a 4 years old can make you reflect on life.
Another experience yesterday was on how I had used my broken heart as an excuse to not help kids do the things that they can actually do on their own (eg picking up and such)
Pretty intense huh? I was speechless after that. I wanted to cry too and at the same time laugh. I felt silly. Someone special to him must’ve experienced such or something. I felt really horrible afterwards when I realized how upset he was.
His words touched my heart though. Do you now agree on how these kids can make more sense?
Bottom line on this point is that… Great things come in small packages.
My dear Self, you’ve always been the person who wants the biggest gestures. Sometimes that’s why you fail to appreciate the small things most of the time. But you’re not perfect, you were deprived with the things you want the most and it is never wrong to feel so disappointed of not having what you want at a certain time. Also because you’re the kind who’d move mountains with all your might just for someone you love.
Let’s blame Mommy for that. We got that from her.
2. You’re actually doing better than your first real heartbreak. Yes, you get your heart break from the same person every since your first. Last year on January 2013, you were a complete mess! To the extent you that you’ve done self harm so many times and even got down on your knees to prove your love for someone. You lost your pride, your dignity and even yourself. You got yourself three jobs a few weeks after the break up, because kneeling and crying to your dad and begging him to send you back home didn’t work out. You were pathetic. Too desperate to go home that you worked 7am to 8pm EVERYDAY. You walked miles and miles nanny-ing a child with special needs who was bigger than you. You’d change diapers, get slapped, scratched and get physically hurt and tired, but you never gave up. You learned how to cook, how to care for children and how to become a mom at 22, even if you didn’t have kids.
You’d walk the kid to school in the cold winter everyday with his brother, which was kind of really far and hard for you. And sometimes you would even get so scared on how he’d cross the street while the green light was still on. You get upset because of how different he is and how challenging everything is. You knew it was too much, but you worked hard for a love you thought was meant for you.
You also worked as a teacher and then a tutor. You were superwoman. I sometimes wonder how we managed that. You lost so much weight that you’ve gone skinny. Really skinny. Not exaggerating again. You freakin weighed 90lbs by February. You were a 125lbs when you guys first broke up for real.
You wanted the money so much to fly back home before he could finally choose the other, which he eventually did anyway. You just wanted to fix what wasn’t meant to be broken.. but failed. Such failure it was.
After those sleepless night and days in tears and hard work, and all those everyday 60 unanswered calls (not exaggerating. I was that annoying) and not getting what we needed, we finally decided to stop.
You know what I am proud of about that experience though? We did our best, and you didn’t have any regrets. We gave him away anyway, after all those efforts. The moment we knew he was happy in the arms of the other, we raised our white flag. And even if we already did, we got cyber bullied anyway and found out about all those horrible rumors about us from the new girl, which was really funny. We were sort of desperate though, but not to her. We were desperate to save something we thought that was meant to be.
Best part.. she got what she deserved. I still feel bad for getting her burned that way though. We both know that was too much, but to be constantly hurt even if you haven’t done anything wrong to them… You just had to stand up for yourself, because even your past lover wasn’t able to defend you, despite the knowledge of who you truly are.
It’s not sad. It’s a lesson. It’s a blessing.
You got hurt a lot. So much that you just wanted to die. But you didn’t though. You overcame everything and gained so much more after your loss.
Truth finally came out, and he came back running to you. He realized your worth and gave in. He came back when you were already doing fine without him. You had so much love and so many opportunities knocking on your door. You were finally eating and sleeping right. You never hurt yourself anymore. You chose to be happy with all the unfortunate events.
Yet, you get to be so stupid sometimes that you always choose something you’d know would hurt you again. You believed you can fix things. You were faithful and always on the go on proving people wrong about you and your choices.
Yup, you took him back eventually. You’re stubborn as hell! And I really hate that fact about us. I wish you’re not as stubborn as you were back then though.
There’s always something about him that you find comfort in. Maybe that’s why right now, you just wish you could go back and call him. Tell him how hurt you are and win him back again. He’s your first love. Nothing can beat that. You’ve loved him when you were 18. Tough love.
3. But right now, it’s time to listen. It’s time to love yourself. He didn’t try to claim himself and explain. He just let you go. That easy. Same as January.
I hope someday I’ll get all the answers to my questions. Why am I always too easy to let go of? Why do I always have to go through all the most bullshit? What is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve such? Why? And Why not me?
Do I need to work 3 jobs again? Do I need to fast? Do I need to chase?
Write to me when you can, Future Zia. I hope you’ll open my eyes and satisfy me with the unanswered.
4. Distance is something I know I can overcome. I guess I am just not with the right one to deal with such. I wish he’d fight for me, just like how I did.
I feel embarrassed writing that newspaper article. I failed. Distance won. Will people still listen to me? I still believe in loving someone from afar. I believe in it so much that it disappoints me to have my someone not fight for what I believe in.
5. Everything is not about love. Today, Mama told me to stop praying for others, instead… I should pray for myself and be better.
People have been getting tired of comforting me. I would feel the same way! This has been such a pain.. even for myself. Advice contradicts to what I want, and a part of me will always want to go back to what I got used to. I am so afraid. I am so helpless. I am so weak.
I want to cry so hard again, but I don’t want to hurt those who care about me. It isn’t just my heart that aches when I cry. I learned our family gets affected too. It makes them mad.
6. There is nothing wrong with us. You and him, I mean. You’re both growing up and learning. I guess, he has his own ways of dealing situations and that would be giving up. I guess I’m always expecting to be saved by the same person who in the first place, brought me here. It’s hard to fix things when youre apart. We’re too different that sometimes we forget to compromise and let bad choices take over. I blame no one but myself, as always. It is in our nature to want to fix something broken.. but sometimes things are better left broken rather than fixing crushed hearts.
7. True friends will always be true. I hate how you shut everything when we’re committed. I am glad to still have a few friends who’d care to deal with my stupidity over and over again. I might make time for them this time, just like how he does everyday. He makes time for his friends, and does everything on his priority list… while I made him the only one on mine. Such a douche I am for being that kind of friend.
8. Despite my choices, I still think I will regret nothing though. Idk. I guess I’ll just have to focus more on Me. Something that I shouldve done for so long.
You love him. I guess you will always do. No one can really take his place that easily, but I hope someday.. if we’re not meant to be.. You’ll end up with someone who is also as fixer like us!
I hope you’ll thank me for these. I hope you’ll follow your dreams and listen more to those who truly care about you. Listen to those you know who will never leave you.
I’m turning 23 and we still have 6 years to improve ourselves before finally taking another big step. If you decide to read this before your wedding day, which is want we really want for now, I want you to know that you’ve come a long way. Keep your feet on the ground. I hope we will continue to inspire others, especially our friends and those who look up to us.
Remember, HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE. Pain is your teacher. I’m sorry I had to let you go through this again.
I will always come and visit you from time to time,
The Past Zia :)
Dont say I do, unless you’re stabled.
No motivation. :))